Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
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Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.