The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
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“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Trying
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
The asteroid..
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar