The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
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Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.