I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
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I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
A fake ID that makes you younger
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario