Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
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I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.