COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
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The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Driving in Europe vs Canada
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”