*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
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If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
yeah not falling for this one
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
☺️
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.