The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
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As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Cause of death: Zumba
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.