*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to