If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
You Might Also Like
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME