“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
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I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to