GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
and now we wait
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!