No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
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[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
This makes total sense…
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
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Expectations vs. Reality
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT