I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
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To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Happy Caturday!
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.