most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
You Might Also Like
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
There’s never enough good news
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.