Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
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Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.