men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
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A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Dance like you’re not the father
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
If looks could kill
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.