I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
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me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag