Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
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Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that