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Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Peace was never an option
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them