*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
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I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”