wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
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ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Actually cracking up @ this
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]