My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
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I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…