If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
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[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding