Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
TRAIN’S HERE
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Customize Your Wedding.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”