this is literally a CIA plant
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Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Vodka burrito was a success
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men