Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
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billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
the best thing i’ve ever made
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?