People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
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DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.