*pronounces fake like saké*
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[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.