7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
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Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Monday Lisa
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.