The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
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ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
at ease…shoulder.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’