Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
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Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..