“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
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Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Why font matters.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.