The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
You Might Also Like
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Everyone’s family
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.