[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
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[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude