Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
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This January has 47 Mondays
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Never ghost your hitman.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.