Make new friends? bro out of what?
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[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.