I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
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2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Good Morning.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*