In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
The glory of fall.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.