[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
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Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
gentlemen, hear me out
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit