When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Is this the real life?
Is this just
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF