medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
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My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here