An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
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[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules