I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police