Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
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If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex