I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
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The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets