Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)