Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
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I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Mood.. 😂
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.