therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
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*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Sharon, call the vet
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself