Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My dad teaching me to drive
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”